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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I had a bad day...

Today I had a bad day. The beginning was good, actually, but the end of the day cast a shadow that seemed to blot out the good that the rest of the day held. Funny how that happens. I stepped on some toes, it was careless of me...it doesn't help that I am such a literal person and tend to miss the "meaning" behind the words. I don't understand how people can get their feelings hurt when someone fails to read their mind. I am frustrated and irritated at them...they are frustrated and irritated at me. Bad days pop up like this sometimes, that's just how life is, but every time one of them does, I'm reminded of my WORST bad day...the bad day to end all bad days....


..........


The exam room was cold, and bright. The Doctor was talking...I think he was talking, I mean, his mouth was moving, but I never heard a word he said. There were two chairs in the room, one on each wall, separated by a door. Josh sat in one, I sat in the other. I needed him next to me. "He should be sitting next to me for this," I remember thinking as we walked in. I had no idea what they were going to tell us, the Doctor and his nurse, but something in their attitude told me that we should be sitting together. I guess we were both too nervous to do anything about it though, so we sat, with desperate space between us, as the Doctor spoke his soundless words. He held a stack of film from my MRI in his hands and I remember saying: "Show me. I want to see it."

He flipped through the films. None of them were good enough, it seemed...or maybe they were all too good. He pulled one out finally and held it to the light. His mouth was still moving, but I was fixated on the large white area in the middle of what should have been intestines. "My God, it's huge!" I said, and when I looked back at him I saw the truth in his eyes, where it could not be concealed with his medical terminology or false nonchalance. It was huge, and it was deadly.

......

In all honesty, the months that followed that day were probably worse. There were weeks of vomiting, lost weight, hair loss, lost time with my children and family, but for some reason when I think of a "Bad Day," my mind goes back to that exam room. Today was shadowed by frustration and hurt, but that day, my world was plunged into darkness for months.

It's amazing how something as horrible as Cancer can change your perspective on life, how it makes you thankful for even days that are cast in shadows of hurt and frustration. I guess once you've found light in the darkness, shadows fail to impress.

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